milkshake

Im moving:
http://bellalikesblacksheep.blogspot.com
I needed a new blogspace, but couldn't let go of the url.

I've been trying to stop myself from thinking about this for a long time, but you know, it's getting pretty impossible not to.
Firstly I want to say that I will always love all 5 of them and no matter how hard the shit hits the fan or how betrayed I may eventually feel; I will still support them all. But really, something has been bugging me for a long while. I've tried not to feel this way, but for months and months, I feel like we're being played. That they've already made up their minds long ago but they just don't want to let us all go because honestly DBSK fans are pretty volatile, and really, if I had the world's biggest fanclub in the world, I wouldn't let go either. But I feel as if they are messing with our loyalties and hanging onto the whole "Always keep the faith', DBSK=5 and so on to make us wait. And I will wait, but really, if you've already decided, don't keep baiting us with this hope so we won't leave either of you.
I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it's because Yoochun yelled "Always keep the faith yeah" so flippantly at the showcase and then he writes a rap like this:

“In 2003, we finished our first match after months of rehearsal
By 2004, we were the rookies of the month
But unable to be satisfied with all of the rookie awards,
We began desiring for more
In 2005, we advanced into Japan
Thought it would be as easy as Korea
But after selling only 4,000 copies of our first single
Our confidence dropped to the floor
We couldn’t even speak Japanese,
Every day consisted of pacing between our dorm and the company
It was an imprisonment under the disguise of what’s best for us
Excessive loneliness, tears, and anger
We said those were what turned us into one,
That no matter what would happen, to never disband..
But I’m going to turn my back to you, since you already changed”

I haven't watched the video of Changmin doing the 3, 2=5 thing because honestly, everything DBSK-related thing I look at now just makes me feel so much worse.

I really wish the fans would stop splitting up. Does it matter if you're bias is in on one side or the other? Don't you love the other 4 too? I really don't understand how anyone can say they are a Cassie one minute, then just a Yunho fan or Junsu fan or whoevers the next. And I can't stand it how everyone is blaming Yunho for everything. What on earth gives you the right to judge this man. You don't know why he did what he did and just taking it out on him because he's the leader or has always been the 'strong one' and can 'take it' doesnn't even make sense. He's already been driven into depression and everytime I look at him, I worry that he'll break. I don't know why Junsu said what he said, but if it was enough to drive you into one camp or the other than I guess you never really loved them all.

I've really really missed the two of them so much. I really had a lot to say but I feel like if I start typing then I won't be able to stop myself from crying. I know this whole situation must seem ridiculous to anyone bystander but if you were a DBSK fan then I'm sure you're familiar with the feeling like the one thing you care about most in the world is falling apart and you can't do anything to fix it.

I really don't know what will happen in the future; and maybe that's why I refuse to read anymore news on them or whatever it was that Junsu tweeted and the replies he got. I've said this before and I still mean it; I've never seen a group of people love each other so much and so deeply before. I don't know what happened inbetween then and now, and I know there are so many theories, Junsu convincing the others to leave, an ugly yunjae break-up...take your pick, it really doesn't matter. I just know deep in my heart, that regardless of what has transpired, the love between them was real. And when you love each other that deeply, eventually you will find your way back to each other, no matter how you feel about it now.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. It was a brilliant comeback, but watching them made me feel so miserable. Like they've been forced to shoulder the weight of the whole group and just... I don't know.

2010

2010 has been an extreme mix of fantastic moments and downright awful ones.

I really don't know what I should say here; 2010 went on for far too long but I still don't want it to end. I met a lot of amazing people, had some close friends disappear(come back? It's 2011 already), and after the cruel lesson 2009 taught me, I've stuck to the people I know have my back.

I had a disgusting amount of sushi all throughout the year, tried my hand at menial labour and gave up after 3 weeks(I have no talent for this ice-cream business). Taught history at MI for a bit, got into law school(which I never thought I would even want). Got to see 3/5 of my favourite people in the world in the flesh(and shake hands!). I really liked the first half of the year, mostly because all I did were things I liked, and with people I enjoyed being with.

Not so nice moments include going home at 9am with puke in my hair, Cookie passing away,school and creepy boys.

For 2011, I'm going to focus during work so I don't have to spend more time on it than I need to and actually study once in awhile. Smile more, slouch less, save more, worry about how I look less because unless I get something cut, my face is going to stay the way it is.

Thank you all for being part of my 2010, wouldn't have been the same without you.
Lots of love to you all.

Bleh

So I have 2 more weeks of holidays left and I'm not quite ready for the new year, or new term to be exact. I did pretty terribly this term in school, and while I did expect it, I thought I would be able to handle it better.
I entered uni with wanting to just stick out with a gpa of...3.4? Maintain a B+ average or something like that, and not spend too much time studying, but I suppose I can't kid myself because as much as I told myself that being average is fine by me, it really really isn't. It's like every fiber in my being refuses to let me be content with the results I've gotten and yes I am pretty miserable, which is a little bizarre because I was fully aware of how dismal my results were going to be(cramming one to two days before each paper will give you some clue), especially with the complete lack of effort I put in the entire term. Barely touching my readings, barely listening in class... The only thing I suppose I tried for were the group projects, but that was because I don't believe in pulling other people down with my own standards. And geez, what a marked difference, every group paper did one of the best but individual compenents I basically flushed down the toilet before even trying.

>So I just want to say that i have no one to blame for myself, and that next term, I will be actually putting in work because as much as I wished I would stick to my plan and float along, I kinda hate it when I don't do well.

Some days I feel like I'm completely wasting my time. It's not like I have any inclination towards law, but then again it's not like I have an inclination towards anything else.

It's so silly. I should just spend the the next 3 weeks studying and everything will be fine, but the thought of it just makes me upset. I know it's not the course. I thoroughly enjoyed all my lectures to be honest, so I don't know what is making me feel this way.

I guess I'm just done with it, I feel so sick of school, ANY school. I just want to disappear for a while. But I guess flunking out first term isn't going to make it work.

Everytime I hear these boys sing, I still have to catch my breath. I really don't know why I love these 5 boys so much, I just know I'll never stop.
I love the JYJ album, but it's a little bittersweet because I know how much better they can sound as group and sometimes it just hurts a little too much.

Just came back from JYJ

*Warning, very incoherent. Literally JUST CAME BACK FROM IT

I don't know how to tell you what I feel, because I'm beyond happy, this is a dream come true and it feels like I watched it happen to someone else rather than lived through it.

I was literally in the third row from the front and I could see them so damn clearly. Our boys were flawless. When they first came out, I couldn't believe it. Pictures really do these fine men no justice at all. Jaejoong's skin looked glowy and soft and just so perfect. Yoochun looked really handsome, his forehead isn't that big in real life, in fact it looks really...masculine? Junsu's biceps stole the show from the rest of him, he was dressed in some apron-like white top and the girl next to me literally grabbed me and screamed "WHAT IS HE WEARINGG?!?!?!?!?" but it was all good, more guns for me to ogle.

One thing that really struck me about Jaejoong - That man knows he's sexy. HE KNOWS IT. He kept teasing the crowd, bending lower, pulling at the lapels of his blazer to reveal more skin, and then SMIRKING when the crowd dissolves into a frenzy. Keep playing Jaejoong, you damn tease. I tried to give the other two equal attention but my eyes refused to move from Jaebaby.
Anyways, Yoochun was in a FANTASTIC MOOD. It seems that his good mood from the airport(he looked amused and was grinning there) carried on to the showcase. Boy kept joshing with the crowd and laughing and teasing.
The boys performed Empty and Be The One and then came on from introductions. I have to say this, THE HOST REALLY RUINED THE WHOLE THING. I WANTED TO SOCK HIM. Not only did he get Yoochun's name wrong, HE KEPT INTERRUPTING THE BOYS, ESPECIALLY POOR JAEJOONG, who already seemed really shy that night! His jokes were AWFUL, they were so bad that Yoochun LOOKED AT HIM and gave him his epic "BITCH, U PLAYIN?" Face. You know the one.

Junsu did his introductions as per normal(and the korean translator TRANSLATED IT) which brought on the LOLz and the boys were suitably amused. (The translator didn't seem like a native speaker, his translations were...not so good. At one point of time, Yoochun even jokingly said "What kind of translation is that?" He was so bad that I think Chunnie would have done a better job. Yeah, I said it.) AND JAEJOONG, OH JAEJOONG. He tried to introduce himself in english. "HELLO I AM...JAEJUU?" GOSH. CUTDHUEGHUSBDJHSVDK
Yoochun did his usual, Hi Im Micky routine(DAMN GIRL)

The usual questions were asked including 'What is your ideal type' and Jaejoong gave his usual, Pretty hands, no other requirement except that she has to love me, AND JUNSU, said something which couldnt be heard so he whispered it to the translator and it turns out Junsu said "LIARRR" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And Chun was a master pimp as usual, he said the girls in SG were "WOW' -_-. LIES.

At one point we were asked by the host to greet the boys in korean and say saranghaeyo. Jaejoong looked VERY impressed.(HAHAHAH, its not that hard bb). We were also asked to sing Ayy Girl which was a FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. It's just so hard to sing that song. Junsu said it was "Very good" but Yoochun went "They weren't singing. They were rapping!"

Then they sang Chajatta(btw, Yoochun looked very happy that his drama was known and loved here) and they sounded AMAZING. It's no lie what you've heard about their vocal ability.
Then Ayy girl, Chunnie rapped over the end bits of the Kanye rap in the middle and it sounded SO MUCH BETTER. And then Empty was performed again and Yoochun said something about coming back next year for a concert?(maybe) and someone said sorry for it being so short, but I can't for the life remember who.

Jaejoong was pretty quiet throughout the showcase, probably cause the host KEPT INTERRUPTING HIM and asking the other two questions first. But he looked amazing and enjoyed lifting up his damn leather jacket(which he was wearing later) up and teasing the fans with his sexy. *DEAD*

This is not important but at one point of time, YOOCHUN'S SHIRT SLIPPED OFF HIS SHOULDERS AND IT WAS LIKE THAT FOR AT LEAST 15 SECONDS. HIS COLLARBONE. OH MY GOSHUSDGVFJKHVSDJ:B

Anyways, the phototaking session was cancelled BUT SCREW THAT. I got to shake all their hands!!! And I have to say, these boys are the most sincere boys ever. They literally looked EVERY one of the 100 in the eye and said thank you individually. I don't remember much because I was mostly stunned except that they were GORGEOUS. And I doubt they were lying about their height, THEY TOWERED OVER ME. (And I'm average asian girl height, 162cm). Junsu was clearly the shortest though. Their hands were so warm and big and I just wanted to die. I wasn't functioning enough to say ANYTHING proper, except thank you, though I did manage to slip in a kongan haseyo to Su. Jaejoong...sigh.

I have met perfection, my life will never be the same. Will add pictures when I get around to it, not much cause security WAS INSANE.

OH YEAH. I FORGOT. MY PHONE GOT RUINED DURING THE CONCERT. I don't know how! It was in my bag the whole time, which was on the chair, but now the screen is...dead? AND IT DOESNT WORK. I blame Jaejoong, my phone couldn't handle the level of insurmountable hotness.

GPA is cumulative, ergo, I'm 10% screwed.

My contract midterms are tomorrow and normally in this circumstance I would say something like "MAY THE SPIRITS OF CHESHIRE AND FIFOOT GUIDE ME TOMORROW" but somehow it seems completely inappropriate when your prof were friends with(and wrote Cheshire, Fifoot & Furmston's Law of Contract) these people.
Oh well, at least I got enough mileage with that line with Economics(MAY THE SPIRIT OF SLOMAN OVERCOME US TOMORROW).

Yes, clearly I am very relaxed about the paper. I'm completely screwed, because of my 2 presentations, 2 written assignments and individual assignment were all crammed into the space of one week, I've not had any time to get contract done, so I'm doing my best to comfort myself by repeating that this is only 10% of my final grade(working too well that it's got me worried)

But on the bright side, JYJ IS THIS WEEKEND. I'm beyond psyched, I keep screaming everytime I look at the concert pictures. Actually, the slightest thing excites me right now. Changmin says he wants to fall in love in the latest interview, cue scream. Picture of Yoochun putting his hand on Jaejoong's shoulder, cue scream. Junsu hold's a marker, scream. Yunho stares into space, scream. You get my drift.

Back to contract, wish me luck ♥