Do I have bad hair? I don't look like scary mom, do I?
I guess it's time to panic. I dread having to go back to school, 2 tests the first week back and having to re-assimilate. It doesn't help that I have a Chinese project due(I hate projects in a language I can barely understand D:) and some mysterious history assignment that I haven't yet seen. I haven't met my study quota and I haven't read enough(Waiting for Godot was next T_T)
I don't know, it just seems to me that the end of year period is the time I always experience these moments of epiphany. It's bizarre, unsettling and almost always leads to a few seconds of sheer panic. Or maybe it's because its the time when Joan come home and we talk and talk and she's the constant thats unaffected by what happens in my life and it's blindingly obvious what's changed about me when we interact.
For one, I never understood what my friends meant when they said they couldn't be themselves and something was wrong, or rather I never fully understood, I mean I knew it was different(understatement)but I assumed thats what going to a new school would be like. You know, adapting to a new group, new relationship dynamics with a different social sphere, yada.
But silly, I wasn't adapting, I was forcing myself to change.
Getting rid of the parts that were wrong, avoiding taking on responsibility, laughing at jokes that I never thought were funny, liking certain people just because it was the common opinion that it was the thing to do. I've conformed to so many aspects of being socially acceptable just for the sake of conforming. I thought it would make me happier, but in truth, I'm still as miserable as I am when I came. Just, someone I'm not.(Upside is, I've made some friends who I Love)
I over simplify my sentences because I'm afraid people won't understand what I'm saying, I don't make jokes anymore because people here don't understand it and just think I'm insulting them/saying something mean/am a total bitch. No one gets the parallels I draw(which I make to be mildly insulting but totally don't mean it, but no one gets it so it seems like whatever I've said is completely pointless), or the pop culture references and no one likes to make ridiculous theories and thrash it out just for the heck of it.
In all honesty, excessive boy talk drives me up the wall, I don't care that whoever's hair sucks and she just broke up with her boyfriend and LyKe ZOMG Thats So Scandalous ANSUABSJABDGASBDBDS.
I'm also really tired of all the years of dropping my consonants and adding singlish to my vocabulary, Yes it's fake, yes its all forced. I practice it. It's a survival mechanism cause kids in primary school don't talk to you if you sound different and I'm afraid the same situation will occur so yeah. Plus I've been told I'm intimidating when I speak normally and less approachable times a hundred. (Yeah Cheyenne, I do it in front of you too. But I really don't know why, in fact I do it even more forcefully even though I have no reason too. I really don't know why, its involuntary) But I don't want to have to do it anymore, I think 8 years is enough.
Ew, I'm so whiny on my blog, and I sound like an obnoxious, nihilistic misanthrope. T_T
I swear I'm not like this in real life, I love people, my MBTI personality type agrees with me. I do trashy things like watch cheesy romantic comedies and read tabloids. I think Napoleon Dynamite is hilarious(though overrated) and according to popular opinion I Am A Nice Person.
I like eating ice cream on cones with a spoon. I don't know why I typed that, but its true. Yesterday we sat in town while I ate my dairy cream single scoop ice cream cone with a spoon and rated males that walked past on a scale of 1 to 10, because we are superficial and find unproductive things like that fun. It was awful, no one went past a 2. Moment of epiphany - I am doomed to copulate with ugly boys and marry one. Joan says the solution is simple, go back to England with her.(But I LOVE Singapore! T_T)
I don't know, it just seems to me that the end of year period is the time I always experience these moments of epiphany. It's bizarre, unsettling and almost always leads to a few seconds of sheer panic. Or maybe it's because its the time when Joan come home and we talk and talk and she's the constant thats unaffected by what happens in my life and it's blindingly obvious what's changed about me when we interact.
For one, I never understood what my friends meant when they said they couldn't be themselves and something was wrong, or rather I never fully understood, I mean I knew it was different(understatement)but I assumed thats what going to a new school would be like. You know, adapting to a new group, new relationship dynamics with a different social sphere, yada.
But silly, I wasn't adapting, I was forcing myself to change.
Getting rid of the parts that were wrong, avoiding taking on responsibility, laughing at jokes that I never thought were funny, liking certain people just because it was the common opinion that it was the thing to do. I've conformed to so many aspects of being socially acceptable just for the sake of conforming. I thought it would make me happier, but in truth, I'm still as miserable as I am when I came. Just, someone I'm not.(Upside is, I've made some friends who I Love)
I over simplify my sentences because I'm afraid people won't understand what I'm saying, I don't make jokes anymore because people here don't understand it and just think I'm insulting them/saying something mean/am a total bitch. No one gets the parallels I draw(which I make to be mildly insulting but totally don't mean it, but no one gets it so it seems like whatever I've said is completely pointless), or the pop culture references and no one likes to make ridiculous theories and thrash it out just for the heck of it.
In all honesty, excessive boy talk drives me up the wall, I don't care that whoever's hair sucks and she just broke up with her boyfriend and LyKe ZOMG Thats So Scandalous ANSUABSJABDGASBDBDS.
I'm also really tired of all the years of dropping my consonants and adding singlish to my vocabulary, Yes it's fake, yes its all forced. I practice it. It's a survival mechanism cause kids in primary school don't talk to you if you sound different and I'm afraid the same situation will occur so yeah. Plus I've been told I'm intimidating when I speak normally and less approachable times a hundred. (Yeah Cheyenne, I do it in front of you too. But I really don't know why, in fact I do it even more forcefully even though I have no reason too. I really don't know why, its involuntary) But I don't want to have to do it anymore, I think 8 years is enough.
Ew, I'm so whiny on my blog, and I sound like an obnoxious, nihilistic misanthrope. T_T
I swear I'm not like this in real life, I love people, my MBTI personality type agrees with me. I do trashy things like watch cheesy romantic comedies and read tabloids. I think Napoleon Dynamite is hilarious(though overrated) and according to popular opinion I Am A Nice Person.
I like eating ice cream on cones with a spoon. I don't know why I typed that, but its true. Yesterday we sat in town while I ate my dairy cream single scoop ice cream cone with a spoon and rated males that walked past on a scale of 1 to 10, because we are superficial and find unproductive things like that fun. It was awful, no one went past a 2. Moment of epiphany - I am doomed to copulate with ugly boys and marry one. Joan says the solution is simple, go back to England with her.(But I LOVE Singapore! T_T)
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